Army Corps to ShamWOW area
Latest protection idea
also comes at an incredibly low price
By Damian Tatum
The Levee Army Corpse writer
Army Corps of Engineers New Orleans District Commander Alvin B. Lee is ready to put the area's storm-protection future in the hands of levees made up entirely of ShamWOW super-absorbent towels.
The Army Corps of Engineers has unveiled a new proposal to protect southern Louisiana from tropical storms by an ambitious plan to replace the system of concrete floodwalls and earthen levees protecting the region with a barrier consisting entirely of ShamWOW absorbent towels.
The proposed system, introduced by New Orleans District Commander Alvin B. Lee in a late-night news conference on QVC, would absorb storm surges, rain water, oil spills, agricultural run off, and ruptured sewage lines, red wine and pet stains.
Lee also said that the ShawWOW levee system – at an incredibly low introductory price of $19.95 – would be more affordable than current levee designs, which would cost billions of dollars. He cautioned, however, that Congress should act now before this limited-time offer disappears.
This may be the future of the levee system in the New Orleans area and the Gulf Coast if the Army Corps of Engineers has its way.
“You’ll be saying ‘Wow!’ every time you use these levees,” Lee said. “They’re like flood walls, they’re like drainage canals, they’re like barrier islands. Normal levees erode when they get overtopped. The ShamWOW levee works wet or dry,”Lee said.
He then demonstrated the ShamWOW levee’s performance by directing a fire hose at the patented cloth for several seconds. He then drove a steamroller over the levee, dousing onlookers with 30,000 gallons of absorbed water.
“This is for your house, your car, your boat, your RV. They protect everything you own! These levees absorb 20 times their weight in liquid. It’s like a levee and a drainage basin in one,” Lee said.
Lee added that the ShamWOW levees were designed in the Netherlands, which boasts one of the world’s finest flood protection systems and legalized prostitution and.
“The Dutch have it all figured out,” Lee said.
Lee assured people that, despite how far legs and wheels sink into ShamWOWS, people will still be free to jog, bicycle and ride horses on them.
Plans call for the Army Corps of Engineers to cut one ShamWOW in half, using one piece to protect the 17th Street Canal outflow gate and the other beneath the I-10 railroad underpass.
“The ShamWOW levee lasts 10 years. The current levees are lucky to last a week,” Lee said. “You get 35 linear miles of ShamWOW levees, 14 ShamWOW storm gates, and 30 square miles of absorbent ShamWOW rain basins for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling,” Lee said. “That’s 100-year protection at a fraction of what you would normally pay!”
Lee said he was so excited about the prospect of ShamWOW levees and is working to get congressional approval, because he was told by the towel makers that if Congress acts in time, they’re throw in a second set of ShamWOWs at no additional cost.
“If Congress calls now, we can double levee protection to 200-year protection,” Lee said. “That’s 200 years for one low payment! We need to hurry!”
Lee said all orders for ShamWOW levees would be accompanied by a Slap-Chop kitchen utensil – at no extra charge.
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