andrews27
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ORTHOPEDIC TESTICULAR PLANE SEAT DESIGNED FOR ROCKER
[LONDON - REUTERS] Septuagenarian rocker Bill Wyman may be rejoining the Rolling Stones for a twin-leg worldwide tour, thanks to a special orthopedic "balls wagon" designed at the University of Manchester.
Wyman, who now resembles your grandmother in his little, square glasses, hails the orthopedic chair, designed to be installed in a Gulfstream jet chartered for the tour, as "just the third-leg assist I've always been seeking, really." Wyman claimed that the chair has relieved the fear of flying that caused the rocker to leave the Rolling Stones following their 1990 Urban Jungle tour.
The chair's designer, Dr. Dermott McDylan McDonald, explained the device's success. "I ken it's a damn fair balls wagon, all right," observed the inventor in a dialect resembling the glug-glug of oatmeal stout. "We've designed a wee snug pocket for Mr. Wyman's superannuated junk, and on every takeoff the jet's hydraulics will inflate the recess in exact proportion to readings taken from sensors pasted to the Wyman scrote." The inflation factor is intended to deliver anti-anxiety sensations to the user's testicles, obviating severe retraction or disappearance into the peritoneum.
Part of the efficacy of the treatment lies in stuffing the chair with materials friendly to the user, Dr. McDylan McDonald notes. "Oh, Christ, it's stuffed with 100-pound notes, sport," laughed Wyman when queried. "That's all that gets anybody's knackers flying, innit? You should enquire of Charlie's drumstool. Crinkle-crinkle!"
The Hon. Harry Longballs, M. P., Dean of the Scrotal Distension Society of Milton Keynes, has already mounted a support march for the device, leading a thousand adherents in motorized orthopedic testicular chairs in a drive on Tunbridge Wells this past Michaelmas.
The orthopedic testicular chair makes a brief appearance in an experimental form in the hospital scenes of Casino Royale, after secret agent James Bond 007 suffers excruciating genitorture for entertainment's sake.
SPECIAL TO THE GUARDIAN
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