Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Philadelphia Eagles
Some people are fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. This 2013 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the 2013 NFL previews so far right here.
Your team: Philadelphia Eagles
Your 2012 record: 4-12. DING DONG THE ANDY REID IS DEAD! One loss for each day of the 12 days of Christmas! It's a little Eagles fan miracle. Never has a fanbase been so relieved to go 4-12. The average Philadelphia fan will happily endure months of misery and suffering if it means someone they despise will eventually lose their job. I imagine city organizers are diligently planning the parade route for three years from now when Chip Kelly is run out of town.
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Your coach: Taco tyrant Chip Kelly. Can't this team find a THIN coach? Keep in mind that Chip Kelly turned this job down only to change his mind after realizing that Oregon was about to get pencil-fucked by the NCAA. If Kelly had his druthers, he'd be back in Eugene at this very moment, drinking platinum smoothies and playing racquetball with the Nike-engineered playbots littering the new Oregon football center.
Kelly is bringing the Blur Offense with him, and I imagine he'll be in for a rude awakening when he realizes that his offense is terrible and he won't have three straight FCS opponents to help his players warm up for the season. It's gonna be a real treat to watch the Eagles go three-and-out in 20 seconds, give up a 12-minute touchdown drive, and then go three and out in 20 seconds AGAIN. They're poised to lose the Time of Possession battle by a ratio of 1:5. I'm sure fans in Philly will be patient and reserved and give Kelly all the time he needs to work out the bugs in his FIRE HIM FIRE HIM NOW KILLLLL HIM!
By the way, the last time a highly sought-after college coach with a trademark offense came to the NFL, it was FUN AND GUN TIME in Washington. That's a comforting thought!
Your quarterback: Walking fumble drill Michael Vick. The Eagles are fully aware that Vick is in the twilight of his career, which is why I predict that they'll say FUCK IT and have him run the ball 200 times, because there's no future they need protecting. You may as well just destroy Vick and have fun with it, you know? He's like an old car you enter in a demolition derby at this point. He's gonna run for 1,000 yards and fumble 60 times and it will be GLORIOUS to watch, like the 2010 season on peyote buttons. Vick's primary receiving targets include DeSean Jackson (who unofficially retired two years ago) and Football Michael Richards. I'd like to see the Eagles try to make it through an entire season without throwing a single forward pass.
Your fantasy player everyone will hate: LeSean McCoy. Always be cautious when people predict a return to fantasy dominance for a player strictly based on a coaching change. I swear to God, any time a team hired Mike Martz as an offensive coordinator, fantasy message boards would light up with HE'S GONNA OPEN UP THAT OFFENSE NOW, YOU GUYS. Bryce Brown and Vick will steal carries from McCoy and you will put your hand through a wall when it happens.
Also, owning DeSean Jackson is like volunteering to have your nipples removed.
Why your team sucks: It's never a wise idea to entrust a new, hopelessly complex offensive scheme that requires lightning-fast decision making and surgically precise execution to someone with the brainpower of Michael Vick. Michael Vick needs a playbook just to reheat soup. The fact that this team has suffered so many preseason injuries at wideout that they had to keep Riley Cooper around after he publicly dropped an n-bomb isn't a good sign. You shouldn't NEED Riley Cooper. You should be able to replace him with a street free agent, or a popsicle stick with a picture of Bull Connor on it, or anything, frankly.
Once Vick gets hurt, the Eagles will be left with Nick Foles, presumably unwanted by Kelly. I imagine Foles looks at Kevin Kolb's career path and thinks to himself, "Yup, that pretty much looks like how this is gonna play out for me." Oh, and Matt Barkley is here! The Jimmy Clausen of USC quarterbacks. Wait until you see him get sent out for slaughter in Week 12. It's gonna be a blast. The Eagles were so eager to start fresh that they brought in Kelly to install an offense for which they have virtually no good personnel, and GM Howie Roseman brought in 5,000 defensive free agents (Kenny Phillips, Cary Williams, Connor Barwin, Patrick Chung, Isaac Sopoaga, Burt Reynolds, Sally Field, Jackie Gleason) in a desperate re-enactment of the Eagles summer of 2011. Remember that? When they signed Nnamdi and Jason Babin and then Andy Reid put his offensive line coach in charge of them? God, that was remarkable.
Getting rid of Reid took ages, so you would think that Eagles fans would be excited for Kelly and give him at least a year to get his house in order. But Eagles fans are the most ungrateful people alive. Your typical Eagles fan is a bloated, sweating neckbeard who spends the entire game frowning with his arms crossed, regardless of the score. If the Eagles were up by 30, their fans would still look at them as if to say, "Is that it?" They constantly act as if the world has to show them something. You know what, Sal from Port Richmond? You are not royalty. The world owes you NOTHING. In fact, it owes you less than nothing. This world was not constructed as some elaborate machine designed to please you. Don't sit there and act fucking surprised when life doesn't work out the way you think it ought to. The Eagles suck and your subcontracting job paving roads will be cut a year from now. Tough fucking luck.
Why your team doesn't suck: I would sit in a tent in the Arctic with an Eagles fan for seven straight weeks before hanging out with a Cowboys or Redskins fan. They're unbearable.
The 12 worst Eagles ever:
1) Freddie Mitchell. In a just world, he drops that 4th and 26 pass. He doesn't deserve to have that to brag about. Freddie Mitchell was a bag of shit.
2) Mike Mamula. BUT WHERE WAS MAMULA?!
3) Tim Harris. Harris spent most of his career with the Niners and Packers, but he was at his least productive with the Eagles. I'm glad I finally get a worst list to put him on, because Tim Harris was an asshole.
4) Terrell Owens. If it walks like a duck...
5-t) Stacy and Shawn Andrews. Brothers! The Eagles will take any and all Andrews and Detmer brothers.
7) Nnamdi Asomugha
8) Juan Castillo
9) Bobby Hoying
10) Jerry Williams
11) Danny Watkins
12) Todd Pinkston. My children have PlayMobil figurines with thicker legs.
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