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ROCKS OFF - The Rolling Stones Message Board › GENERAL › MAIN BOARD › New Years Joke Thread!
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New Years Joke Thread! (Read 26,105 times)
Bitch
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New Years Joke Thread!
Dec 26th, 2011 at 10:37am Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said to my friend "That's us in 10 years.”

She said "That's a mirror, shit-head!”

 Grin Grin Grin
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Edith Grove
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #1 - Dec 26th, 2011 at 11:04am Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?........ ..... A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it,
until it's about 6 feetwide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!
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“What rap did that was impressive was to show there are so many tone-deaf people out there,” he says. “All they need is a drum beat and somebody yelling over it and they’re happy. There’s an enormous market for people who can’t tell one note from another.” - Keef
 
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lavendar
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #2 - Dec 26th, 2011 at 2:31pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Whatta you shakin for, they're gonna eat me!!!
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Tumbling Dijs
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #3 - Dec 26th, 2011 at 2:51pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
Well, it's got nothing to do with newyear, but it is funny. Happy newyear everybody.
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girlfriend.jpg (Attachment deleted)
 
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #4 - Dec 26th, 2011 at 4:22pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
do you know the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk will get in a car, drive too fast, run off the road and smash into a tree... get out of the car, look around and exclaim, it's time I stop driving!!!
The alcoholic will do exactly the same thing, except upon exiting the car, will ook around and exclaim in a loud laughing voice... Glad it ain't my car!!!
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sweetcharmedlife
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #5 - Dec 26th, 2011 at 8:12pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
do you know the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
An alcoholic goes to meetings. Nolte - The Rocks Off patron saint
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I'll shoot it to you straight and look you in the eye
So gimme just a minute and I'll tell you why
 
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Tumbling Dijs
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #6 - Dec 27th, 2011 at 2:56pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
Well, that's a long time ago I had such a good laugh! Didn't realize there are so many funny people on this board.
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #7 - Dec 27th, 2011 at 4:04pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
Someone called the Bengals ticket office today asking what time does the game start next week?.....The reply:
"What time can you make it?"
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"Runnin Like A Cat In A Thunderstorm"
 
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Edith Grove
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #8 - Jan 2nd, 2012 at 2:07pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a
local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955! " She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,

"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only
2130 now."
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“What rap did that was impressive was to show there are so many tone-deaf people out there,” he says. “All they need is a drum beat and somebody yelling over it and they’re happy. There’s an enormous market for people who can’t tell one note from another.” - Keef
 
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Bitch
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #9 - Jan 2nd, 2012 at 6:36pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
Good one EG!
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Bitch
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #10 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 3:01pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give
you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you
give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit! Grin
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Brainbell Jangler
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #11 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 6:45pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
Q:  What do real drunks call New Years Eve?
A:  Amateur Night.
Let's go get drunk Puke all over me (wait that is BLEED)
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"The ROLLING STONES are more than just a group--they are a way of life."--Andrew Loog Oldham
 
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #12 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 9:09pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #13 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 9:11pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #14 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 9:12pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #15 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 9:13pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
...
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



...
 
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #16 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 9:15pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #17 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 9:16pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



...
 
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #18 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 9:20pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



...
 
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #19 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 9:22pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



...
 
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #20 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 9:27pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



...
 
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Starbuck
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #21 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 9:30pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
http://cn1.kaboodle.com/hi/img/b/0/0/d1/a/AAAAC1ecG3wAAAAAANGkrA.jpgv=1276307565...
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



...
 
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #22 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 10:45pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
for my baby LJ.....

...
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



...
 
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #23 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 10:47pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
http://cache.bordom.net/server/type=image&size=full&id=aHR0cHM6Ly9mYmNkbi1zcGhvd...
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



...
 
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Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Reply #24 - Jan 6th, 2012 at 10:49pm Alert Board Moderator about this Post! 
...
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"Why would any sane person want to leave Rocks Off? If you have an issue outside of Rocks Off, handle it. When you return it will be as if you never have left. Once you are here-it's expected you stay. Why waste long cultivated posting skills somewhere else? The outside world will not understand." -Nellie

“You assclowns are destroying this nation.” –Riffy

"You can lead a horse to the facts, but you can't make the horse understand the facts if he's a dumbfuck horse stuck on stupid." - Riffy

Posts: 66936 | Registered: Dec 2002



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