...you just made that up

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
The bank manager looks back at her and says...

(wait for it.........)


.....'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

Thanks Bitch, very FUnny LOL

Not really a joke, but it is a joke !  






Title Search

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer...


A  New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:


(Actual reply from FHA)


"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:


(Actual response)


"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.   I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance  Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called  Louisiana . God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

 

The   loan was immediately approved.

And you want Government running health care?

A blonde drops off a shirt at the Surfside cleaners...
On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again"...

  The blonde says "No it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch".

Not a "New Year's Joke" but Christmas joke

Q: Who is the Christmas favourite character of the Rolling Stones?
A: The GRRRinch

LOL bad joke, I know but I invented it

Voodoo Chile in Wonderland wrote on Dec 8^th, 2012 at 6:00pm:



Voo ?

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  
To be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you  a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Bend over, touch your toes, and spell RUN as many times as you can.

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store's merchandise was not in, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.   

One said to the other,

"I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." 



Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window,

looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"  One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."



Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well.  Only two left."