THIS WORLD CUP THINGY JUST ISN'T OUR THING

DOWN AND OUT: An England fan
Tuesday June 29,2010
By David Robson
TOMMY COOPER joke. A man goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, " he says, "I've broken my arm in several places."
"Well, " says the doctor, "don't go to those places."
This is the moral to take from this World Cup, not to mention the last 10 World Cups. "Doctor, England's hearts have been broken in several places." "Well, don't go to those places."
It's high time England stopped playing international football.
It sends a generally sensible nation stupid. We, unlike half the rest of the world, do not normally live in a state of borderline hysteria. But that's what we've just been through. It must not be allowed to happen again. England should just give it up, forget it and leave it to the poor suckers who really need it.
This isn't a new feeling for me. I've had it for years. In fact I can't remember why I haven't told you before. Because it's just not our thing. We're no good at it, it upsets us and there's no need for us to do it. As the millionaire businessman said when he'd missed yet another simple putt: "I've been very successful in business, I've all the money I'll ever need. I've a lovely wife, lovely house, lovely family, why do I keep coming to this golf club and humiliating myself like this?"
We have the Premier League, which is the richest and most popular in the world, watched and relished everywhere from Bel Air to Beijing; Manchester United is the most famous club on earth; David Beckham by far the biggest thing in global football.
He knows what's what: he went through the whole tournament in South Africa without taking his waistcoat off. Why? Because he knows if he had played, he would be a disappointment for all concerned.
OTHER countries play in this World Cup thingy because they need the money or the glory: they're failed states, dictatorships, new (Slovenia, Slovakia) or else international football's the best thing they've got (most of Latin America). The US was in the World Cup but they only go because they know it doesn't matter - whether they win or lose at the real football is of no importance to any of the population.
None of this is true of England. We have the beating of the Germans at some things; it just happens that, give or take one exception, it isn't World Cup football. Let's take them on at cricket, rock music, cheese making, fashion, morris dancing, monarchy; in fact anything but football, motor cars and sausages.
I am more concerned for the humilaited ordinary folk of this country than I am for the feelings of David Cameron. After all, he's paid to be humiliated. Nonetheless watching the Germany match with Angela Merkel, as he did, cannot have made for a happy afternoon.
Sportswise, the Americans are people who know what's what. They concentrate on sports nobody else plays. They don't have to worry about being stuffed by Algeria or Slovenia. They play baseball and call their cup final the World Series.
Nobody else in the world is involved, which is what makes it great. What they call "football" is American football. Nobody else plays it.
The English have often been slow at getting out of things they aren't very good at any more. It took about a hundred years to realise the empire was not much cop and we'd be better off not sending chaps to far-flung parts to get sunburn and malaria and bitten by tsetse flies.
The secret of happiness and success is simple: stick to what you're good at, do it in the place where you do it best and don't get delusions of grandeur. When great-looking women everybody fancies decide they want to be appreciated for something else, they come to grief.
They're loved for their beauty but they want to be loved for their brains. Bad idea.
This is the moment to disband the whole England football operation.
Comrade Rooney must rue the day he got picked for England - go back to Manchester where you're a legend.
That's where you make people happy and that's the business you're in.
Only one exception to this "no England" rule can be considered. We aren't too bad at home - 1966 went well and Euro 96 was good - but we haven't beaten a major country in the knockout stages of the World Cup abroad in the last 44 years. If the 2018 World Cup is in England, maybe go for it. If not, forget it.
- Daily Express