On the couch with Ronnie Wood: How can you help your children accept your new partner when they're younger than they are?
By LINDA BLAIR
Last updated at 10:23 PM on 16th November 2011
http://www.dailymail.co.ukRolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood, 64, appeared in London last week with his new girlfriend Nicola Sargent, 25. Wood’s son Jesse, 35, and his girlfriend, Fearne Cotton, were also there. Although they posed for photographers, some said they detected an air of discomfort.
So if your new partner is younger than your children, is this likely to make for a strained relationship? Clinical psychologist Linda Blair advises on the best way forward.
Ronnie, this isn’t the first time you’ve been in this situation. Since splitting from Jo, your wife of nearly 24 years, in 2008, you’ve dated Ekaterina Ivanova, who’s 22, and Ana Paula Araujo, who’s 30.
Rival for attention: Ronnie Wood is dating a woman younger than his son Jesse
I suppose that might make your current liaison seem less surprising to your children. Even so, it complicates an encounter that’s already uncomfortable. Meeting and getting on with your parent’s new partner is always a challenge, even when your parents split up long ago.
No matter how similar in age and background to your own parent they may be, or even when the new partner is extremely likeable, no ‘child’, whatever their age, wants to be reminded of the pain that accompanied a family break-up.
Of course, many will tell you that they wanted the fighting to stop or the atmosphere at home to improve, but no one wants to recall that their family actually fell apart.
That said, once the split has occurred and things have settled down, most children learn to adapt to the new situation, particularly if they’re still able to see both parents. However, even at that point, many children continue to hope that someday, somehow, their parents may get back together.
The meeting of a new partner means the children are forced to abandon any hopes that their original family will ever reconstruct itself. That’s why all parents need to exercise sensitivity when introducing a new partner to their children, and why the new partner needs to be patient while the children adjust.
Once it was believed that young children are the ones most affected by family break up and by the introduction of new partners. However, recent findings suggest that this is actually more distressing and difficult for older children — in particular, for teenagers and young adults.
When a parent introduces a considerably younger new partner, things become even more uncomfortable. There are several reasons for this.
Awkward family scene: Ronnie Wood, 64, with girlfriend Nicola Sargent, 25, left, his son Jesse Wood, 35, and his girlfriend Fearne Cotton, 30
First, if the new partner is of the same generation as the kids, his or her style of dress, hobbies and interests will probably be similar to theirs. Because they’re alike in so many ways, the new partner will, therefore, represent a much greater threat when it comes to gaining the parent’s attention.
After all, if the new partner can offer not only sex, but everything that they, the children, have to offer as well, then the incomer will be seen as a formidable rival for attention.
Second, it’s uncomfortable at the best of times for children to think of their parents as sexual beings. However, when a parent chooses to have sex with someone who’s the same age as the adult child’s own friends, that discomfort can turn to embarrassment or even disgust.
Therefore, Ronnie, the answer to the first question — is the relationship between your children and Nicola likely to be strained — is almost certainly ‘yes’. At least at first. Thankfully, however, the answer to the second question — is there anything you and your new girlfriend can do to ease the strain — is also ‘yes’.
Always refer to Nicola by her name or simply as ‘your’ partner. There should be no implied obligation on either her or your children to create some sort of bond. Just let things happen naturally.
Never compare your new partner to your ex, especially in terms of her youth. Age isn’t something we can control, so to refer to or make any comment about how much you admire youthful qualities is to guarantee your children will rise to their mother’s defence.
Try to remember always to regard your children as the experts when you want to know what’s going on in their generation. If you turn first to your new lover, you’re inadvertently setting up a rivalry between them.
There are ways a new partner can help ease the strains in those early days. The most important thing is not to try to gain the kids’ approval. Step back so they can interact freely with their parent.
Show a genuine interest in them, but try not to volunteer your views and listen to what everyone has to say. Finally, with regard to your behaviour towards your new partner, remember overt sexual overtures will not be popular, but warmth and quiet support will be welcomed.
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