'Nollaig shona dhuit a chairde'

(A Very happy early Xmas Wish for all)

An Xmas Gift for the Rock's Off faithful, after reading many damning comments here about Mr. Jon Bon Jovi & his merry band of Jersey minstrels, I thought there's no love here for the Jove!^

I know my mate Gazza loves Jovi, so, please forgive me if this offends^ 

(Actaually - if truth be bold - I'm quite the fan of Bon Jovi^  Well, their '86-'96 stuff. First gig I ever saw was Jovi on January 7th 1990 at Dublin's Point Depot. Having a liking for their music doesnae mean I'm immune to the smug b!st!rds^^  Post-2000 interviews with them are constant self congratulatory...ooh god, the smug showers of *****!!!)

Anyway, Happy Xmas! 



WHY DOES JON JOVI SUCK?

"Because he just wants to be a star. If you're going to be a musician, be in
it for the music. Jon just wants to be a star. Maybe it hasn't always been
this way, though. He turned down the chance to be in Footloose so he could
concentrate on music. Still, Jon ignores his old friends like Def Leppard,
Skid Row, and Cinderella these days because he's too busy trying to look
cool to hang around with bands like that. He goes off and stars in all these
movies in spite of minimal acting ability. He's just not in it for the
music. Jon is so obsessed with being a star that he fired Ross Halfin,
arguably the best photographer in rock, because apparently Ross made him
look too old (this is according the Ross Halfin's website). All photos of
Jon have to approved by his people. He shows up at every Hollywood charity
benefit in a bid to look like a nice guy, and desperately tries to keep a
profile by attending whatever movie premieres he can. He's riding on his
looks and he'd better pray they don't fade because the second they do, he's
history. No wonder his people choose the photos carefully.

Because he's a bad songwriter. Jon's solo albums suck. Anyway, he can't
write good songs on his own. Sure, I know there are good songs with his name
on them but most of these are just rehashed versions of older Bon Jovi
tracks. His biggest solo hit, "Blaze of Glory", is a cowboy power ballad;
all he had to do was rip off the earlier tracks "Wanted Dead or Alive" and
"Stick to Your Guns" (written with Richie Sambora and, in the latter case,
Holly Knight). Jon's strong suit is ballads, but before he wrote a decent
power ballad of his own Richie had already produced classics like "Never Say
Goodbye" and "I'll Be There For You" with him so Jon just had to steal the
formula for his later ballads, which is why "Bed of Roses", "Always", and
"Thank You For Loving Me" are all so similar. "Just Older" owes a lot to "In
These Arms" (originally written by Dave Bryan). Anyway, Jon is always
surrounded by able songwriters, from Richie Sambora and Desmond Child to
Billy Falcon and Aldo Nova, so he gets to put his name on great songs even
though the chances are he wrote relatively little of the songs. Then there's
the fact that he worked with great producers like Bruce Fairbairn and Bob
Rock who will just tell you which parts of a song are good enough to record,
and make you re-write the rest, so they probably filtered out tons of Jon's
crap. The only song to truly Jon's credit is the early minor hit "Runaway".
But when Jon was questioned about working with Max Martin for Livin' on a
Prayer 2, better known as "It's My Life", he said, "I could have written it
on my own." Sure you could, Jon.

Because he gets all the credit. People talk about Bon Jovi as if it were
just Jon. The fanclub is called "Backstage with Jon Bon Jovi." My local HMV
even puts all Bon Jovi records under the "Jon Bon Jovi" section In fact,
there are four other guys who are vital to the success of Bon Jovi. Richie
Sambora has his name on most Bon Jovi songs but only guitarists mention him.
Dave Bryan is a hugely talented pianist who attended Juilliard and, although
he doesn't write much for Bon Jovi, is also an able songwriter. The Bon Jovi
rhythm section is tight and powerful, and really Jon is left as the least
talented guy in the band. The only thing stopping the other four from
branching off on their own is Jon's looks. The fact is, he brings in the
girls.

Because of all this "Blood on Blood" rubbish. After "Runaway" became a hit,
Jon realised he had no band. So he quickly hired one. Then he had no
compunction about screwing over his old friend Dave Sabo and firing him when
he found someone better in Richie Sambora. Later, he screwed over Alec John
Such, firing this so-called "Blood Brother" of his. Now they have Hugh
McDonald, the highly talented former Alice Cooper bassist, but Jon would
like to pretend he doesn't exist, keeping him out of all band photos. The
relationships within Bon Jovi are fake, but when it suits him Jon appears to
be a blood brother, only to enhance his own image. Plus the line about the
white trash prostitute in the song "Blood on Blood" just sucks. Bon Jovi are
no more blood brothers than Guns n' Roses.

Because he can't sing anymore. Jon used to have one thing going for him: his
voice. There's no denying the vocal prowess on those early Bon Jovi records,
up to Keep the Faith. If you hear Bon Jovi live, though, his voice now
sounds thin, nasal, and whiny, and his range is nothing on what it was.
Apparently, he started smoking when he was 37 because he was bored on a
movie set. What an idiot! Most people quit at that age. After years of
touring, Jon's vocal range is bound to diminish so he should do what he can
to protect it. But no, Jon starts smoking. On Crush and These Days, studio
magic and the option to do unlimited takes meant Jon still turned in great
performances, but Jon's voice has now deteriorated to the point that at
times on Bounce even Pro Tools can't hide his whiney sound. Check out the
lead single "Everyday".

Because he doesn't respect the people who put him where he is. Jon once said
"I can't believe how stupid and shallow our fans are. They think we sing
about love. Our songs are about lust, not love." Do I really need to comment
on that? He hasn't finished either. On a trip to Sweden he said "The Swedish
fans are not loyal." Well, he sure knows how to encourage loyalty, huh?



Because he cheats on his wife. Here's what Jon said on MTV on July 4, 1990.
"The way I look at it is you're only married within the state lines. There
are 49 other states, we can have 49 other relationships." Now that's just
not cool.





Because he thinks too highly of himself. In a recent interview Jon compared
the songwriting battles and inner tensions between him and Sambora to the
relationship between, wait for it… Lennon and McCartney. Give me a break!
The greatest songwriting partnership in rock & roll history is being
compared to Bon Jovi? The reason for battles and tensions between BJ and
Sambora are because Sambora is a master and Bon Jovi is a peddler of trite
rubbish and poor Richie has to try to get a decent song out of all that.

Because he's not in it for the music. On the Graham Norton show, the
following words came out of Jon's mouth: "Truthfully, I got into it for the
girls." Unbelievable. "We could have been AC/DC", (yeah, in your dreams Jon)
"but I didn't want 10,000 ugly headbanging guys at my shows. I wanted their
girlfriends. So the girls came to the show and then the guys came to check
out the girls." (I slightly paraphrase here, but if you saw the show, you'll
agree that I am not doing Jon an injustice). OK Jon, so if the girls are
there because you're a pretty boy singing about love, and you're there for
the girls, and the guys are there for the girls, who's in it for the music?"

Memorable JBJ quotes: (with Rock Hole comments in italics)
Do you think we're a pop band? Strangely enough, Jon…

Reporter: There is no natural second single to "It's My Life"
Jon: Kiss my ass. "Say it Isn't So" will become a huge hit and "Thank you
for loving me" will be the big ballad.
[Both singles bombed]
Reporter: How do you feel about saying that now when both singles have
failed?
Jon: You can still kiss my ass.

Jon on if he'd like to work with Max Martin again before It's My Life became
a hit:
"I wouldn't mind but it's nothing I'm going to strive for."
And after it was a hit: "I'd love to, as talented as he is."

Jon uses a cheap chat-up line on a girl at a British party, 2000: "Hey, I
like the dress and I like what's in it."

Elvis, Carl Perkins and Johnny Cash are rolling over in their collective graves.

Maybe The Killer will seek vengeance for befouling their memories...