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Ten Thousand Motels
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Paris Hilton Split All Down To Prince William?
November 21st, 2008
by Stuart Heritage
Hecklerspray.com
There isn’t a single British citizen alive who, hand on heart, wouldn’t want to see Paris Hilton crowned as their queen.
That’s fact. Paris Hilton becoming queen would be like that hilarious movie King Ralph except, instead of being about a fat American with bad manners it’d be about a stupid American with no manners. Plus it’d be funnier because it was really happening. And, if one wild-eyed report is to believe, it might just come true - Prince William has been named as a possible cause of the split between Paris Hilton and Benji Madden.
Of course, we’re joking. Regardless of the veracity of these reports, Paris Hilton would make a terrible queen of England. Her days are spent wearing embarrassingly ostentatious jewellery, simpering around important people without ever understanding what they do and leeching piles of money that she doesn’t really deserve. Meanwhile, the Queen’s days are spent… hey, wait a minute!
So Paris Hilton has split up with Benji Madden. It’s sad, we know. She didn’t even get to make an inadvertently repulsive sex tape with him or anything.
But this Paris Hilton/ Benji Madden split isn’t just another tiresome celebrity split story about a person nobody cares about and another person that people wouldn’t be able to recognise if he wore a big hat that flashed the words ‘I’M BENJI MADDEN’ while performing something called The Benji Madden Dance to a song called Theme From You’re Looking At Benji Madden, and wouldn’t even care if they did. No, for the Paris Hilton/ Benji Madden split could deeply change the face of western civilisation forever.
That’s not even an exaggeration. For the ever-reliable Fox News has decided to claim that one potential cause for the Hilton/ Madden split is Paris Hilton’s growing friendship with heir to the throne Prince William. Seriously, we’re not making this up. Look:
According to an insider… Prince William may have had plans to meet up with Paris to ring in the New Year, having spent quite some time with her while she’s been filming her “My BFF” show in London. So did Prince William’s extra attention irk Benji? According to an inside source, the ultra-quiet Benji can be well, kind of controlling.
Now, we know what you’re going to say. Prince William can’t elope with Paris Hilton because he’s going out with that girl who’s got a face like a dinner plate. But the more we think about it, the more Paris Hilton and Prince William seem suited to one another. For example:
*Both Prince William and Paris Hilton will never have to do a real day’s work in their entire lives.
*Prince William and Paris Hilton both have drunk little brothers.
*Prince William and Paris Hilton both sort of turn into wankers around the paparazzi.
*Neither of their families are particularly good at getting away with drink driving.
What’s more - and this is a very important point - Paris Hilton is tactically a very good choice for Prince William to pick as his queen. After centuries of institutionalised interbreeding, there’s a very good chance that the next generation of royals will essentially be a legally braindead, more-gruesome version of Sloth from The Goonies.
So, rather than continue scraping the bottom of the gene pool, it absolutely makes sense that Prince William should try to get Paris Hilton pregnant. He’s effectively found the only person on the planet with genes more simpleminded and deficient than his own. Genius.
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