My husband was only 55.

I can't imagine life without him. Every little thing I see or hear reminds me of him. I'm still in shock. I can't believe this has happened.

He took sick a month ago and just got worse every day. We were told that it was his liver. It may surprise you (it did me!) to learn that you don't have to abuse alcohol to get liver cirrhosis. They were going to run tests on the 1st but he didn't make it. They think that liver failure caused his other organs to start shutting down, including his heart. That was what killed him.

He just caught a bad cold a month ago. He seemed fine before that. His cousin theorizes that he had more wrong with him and didn't let me know so as not to worry me. He's probably right. Thus I was caught completely unprepared for this.

I'm staying at  friend's house. I'm having trouble going back to our apartment where he died. My friend says that the funeral will help me get closure. I don't want closure. I want him back.

God, I can't believe this. 2016 has been the absolute worst year. My whole life is in ruins.

Like I told another friend, remember to appreciate it when someone says they love you. They might not be around to say it again before you know it.

it's impossible to find any right words in such situation - all words seem so useless and so helpless........
my best thoughts and prayers are with You

Dear Freja, so sorry for your loss, my most sincere condolences; be strong, life is sometimes a bitch but it continues

https://youtu.be/YrLk4vdY28Q

Like I told another friend, remember to appreciate it when someone says they love you. They might not be around to say it again before you know it.

Believe me, I know how this goes.  Others will feel it when I am gone.  It is important, above all, that we did love, and we were loved.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

I' m so sorry Freya. Take good care.

I am so sorry for your loss . I offer my heartfelt condolences .

My condolences and sympathy to you and your dearest ones.

Thoughts and prayers for you.

so sorry for your loss Freja!

So sorry to hear Freya, My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Good God. Thats shocking. My deepest condolences. xo

Thank all of you guys. I'm having a hard time dealing, to be honest. He went down so fast that I was just completely unprepared. I keep making mental notes to tell him something and then I remember that he's gone. I keep finding myself in tears again and I'm not usually the weepy type. He was all I had. I have no family except for a half-sister who got hold of me today. I hadn't heard from her in 15 years. and after everything else that happened this year, I'm not sure how to even go on from here. Right now all I can do is try to get the funeral out of the way and then worry about money, as I have very little left. I still don't know what I'm going to do right now.

so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss. OK I went through something similar a few years back, was in love with the most wonderful man in the world, he was diagnosed with lymphoma and he died a short time later. Total shock. Shook my world. I asked his mother how she was able to survive losing a husband and two sons. She said to me "focus on the living" so that's what I used as my mantra to get through it. Redirect your focus, it helps. Not to minimize your loss, just a suggestion, it might help you.

Oh blimey.

Colossal condolences and all best wishes, F.

So sorry for your loss Freya.

Life is so finite. Saddened for you, Amen

My sincerest condolences.  My prayers are with you during this difficult time.

My family prays for you to have strength during this awful time. It is my belief we will all be together again.Pray and God will hear them. Peace.

My sincerest condolences Freya. May your memories bring you comfort and "may the Good Lord shine a light on you".

They put him in the ground Thursday.

Today is the first day I've gotten through without crying. I still find myself just stunned at times when it hits me again that's he's really dead. Yesterday was the first night since his death that I went home and stayed the night; I'd been staying with different people until then, first my friend and then my sister. I don't know if I should count it as a bright side or not but the news of his death brought forth a few of my relatives. It had been so many years since I had seen them (15) that I didn't even recognize my cousin. I only recognized my sister because we've come to look so much alike.

I have no idea what I'm going to do for money right now. I don't have much and still don't know how much his life insurance is worth. Fucking Amazon cancelled my health insurance just three days after his death. A friend of my landlady seems ceratin that I qualify for disability though I'm not so sure. I saw how long it took my mother to get it even after she'd had a triple bypass and virtually lived off of her bottle of Nitro pills.

My husband's cousin speculated that he had may have had health issues that he hid from me. He may be right. Well, in that case then he wasn't the only one keeping secrets. I never told anyone that my own heart has been bothering me for a while. I was afraid that it would get back to my husband if I told anyone. Also, I guess I was in denial. But there's no denying it now and no need. It's gotten worse since his death. My sister also has a bad heart and had to take a Nitro the night of his funeral. Seeing that brought back all those memories of watching my mom go through that for years. I'm not going to let my heart be treated. I'll be better off if it kills me as opposed to going through all that. I have no close family besides my sister and I wouldn't describe our relationship as close. My mom had me and her own mother to live for. I have no one now.

Thank all of you for condolences and well wishes. Also, thanks for putting up with the rantings of a crazy, kinky old nympho like me. (I still find it weird how many Stones fans can be so intolerant of the pervy and hyprsexed.) I can only get online now when i visit my friend so I don't know ho often I'll be here or for how long. In any case, wish me luck.

Good luck and try to have some hope for your future, as sad as you might be now you will have to move on and be hopeful that your life isn't going to fall to pieces, but you will find a way to be happy again. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to make more changes, take your time and do it in your own time. So you better come back and post here!   

Well, I haven't had chest pains in a few days now. I don't know for sure that there's anything wrong with my heart. It could be just gas. However, I saw my mother several times having some kind of cardiac pain and dismiss it as gas. My husband did the same. He died with a Tums in his mouth, in fact. I had realized at the end that his heart was giving out on him and was trying to get him to the ER when it happened. So I don't really know what all is going on with me and it's really the fact that I've had such poor medical care for to many years that I've gotten in such bad shape. All of the medical insurance I've ever had were really rip-offs, costing too damn much and providing too little coverage. Whether or not I'll get the chance to get some good medical care is up for debate at the moment. The future doesn't seem hopeless but it isn't looking too bright either.

I hear ya about the insurance companies, total rip-offs.
Sorry about your health, but try to hang in there! You cant give up hope.

I was very sorry to log-in today at Rocks Off and see this. I'm so sorry and I can only 'imagine' how difficult this is. Deepest sympathy.



Ian

Thank all of you for your condolences and sympathy.

It was 3 weeks today. I'm at my friend's house, drinking apple pie moonshine.

This year has been hell. I'm really thinking that I won't have anyone or anything left before this damn year is over.

My sister and I got together after the funeral. It was the first time I'd seen her in 15 years. We were talking about getting together in the coming year, maybe visiting New Mexico. I was so glad to have my sister back. She died 10 days after my husband. She was trying to get to her Nitro pills but apparently didn't get to them in time. She was only 52. I suppose I should be grateful that I got those last few days with her but I can't help but feel that I got my sister back only to lose her again almost immediately.

On the bright side it was easy for me to get government health insurance (Anthem) and food stamps. I still have no income and thus can't pay the rent, get my laundry done or afford other necessities. Wish me luck.

That is so sad about your sister.
Wishing you luck and hope for the New Year. When you are at the bottom there is only one way left to go, and that's up.

Oh Freya! I am so trully sorry. This is so weird. I have liver damage due to the medication I have to live on. God! I  know I'm going to flatline early, and I've watched it working in hospitals. I pray he didn't suffer.

But you what? People think I'm Spooky, they think I'm a nutter because I feel; what shall I call it?Prescences, sorry spelt that wrong but, tough. I don't mean ghosts, or shit, just a vague sense of the well; departed. So he's still with you in some sense. Call me crazy but I've dealing with one since 1978. They're all around when you need them. You just have to tune in. But I am so sorry Freya, take care luv.

gypsymofo60 wrote on Dec 20^th, 2016 at 4:50pm:

Oh Freya! I am so trully sorry. This is so weird. I have liver damage due to the medication I have to live on. God! I  know I'm going to flatline early, and I've watched it working in hospitals. I pray he didn't suffer. But you what? People think I'm Spooky, they think I'm a nutter because I feel; what shall I call it?Prescences, sorry spelt that wrong but, tough. I don't mean ghosts, or shit, just a vague sense of the well; departed. So he's still with you in some sense. Call me crazy but I've dealing with one since 1978. They're all around when you need them. You just have to tune in. But I am so sorry Freya, take care luv.

I don't think you're crazy. I've had my own experiences that have convinced me that death of one's physical body is not the end. I know that he and my sister are still around.

I hope you get your liver and the rest of you taken care of. We didn't know he had liver problems until it was too late because he resisted going to the doctor as much as he possibly could. He only suffered about a month before he died, fortunately. I've seen a lot worse, especially when  my mother had cancer.

Hope things get better for you.

Thank you, SW.

Well, I've gotten through my first Christmas Eve without him since 1987 without crying. I doubt I'll make it through tomorrow without tears though. Still, I count every day I get through without crying as a victory.