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HOW TO SING THE BLUES: A PRIMER

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die."

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt

b. you blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

:Youmakeagrownmancrylikejoey

that was funny - now I need to clean the screen [smiley=dankk2.gif]

..no yet shoot a man in Memphis..
... no in jail yet..
here yes comes the rain...

I'm adulhood

... can I kill you in some way?

how can I sing the Blues
or just hear it for that?

..........no matter
Keep on with the Blues.. :smilemick

First time I heard the blues was the day I was born-----Janis Joplin.

Heart Of Stone wrote on Aug 15^th, 2009 at 9:02am:

First time I heard the blues was the day I was born-----Janis Joplin.

You know, Heart Of Stone I would could had see her on stage.. but I were too little and far away

One may see the Voodstock's movie just for her and Jimi..

Do you like Jimi H?

And Muddy the great. Robert Johnson. I got a beautiful cd of him.
The devil had took his soul, just seem. :wow

LanternHigh wrote on Aug 15^th, 2009 at 9:32am:

Heart Of Stone wrote on Aug 15^th, 2009 at 9:02am:

First time I heard the blues was the day I was born-----Janis Joplin.

I absolutely love Jimi, Janis played here (Toronto Canada) in 1970 part of the Festival Express tour, she couldn't get over Toronto because in those days the Liquor stores weren't open on Sunday, & she made a comment during the concert (I didn't see it but a friend who saw it mentioned it) that she "couldn't understand this place, liquor stores not open on Sunday, that's when you really need a drink" it's actually on a live record called "Janis Live" I believe or something to that extent.
I love Muddy & Robert Johnson too, you got a good taste in music.

Heart Of Stone wrote on Aug 15^th, 2009 at 10:19am:

LanternHigh wrote on Aug 15^th, 2009 at 9:32am:

Heart Of Stone wrote on Aug 15^th, 2009 at 9:02am:

First time I heard the blues was the day I was born-----Janis Joplin.

No, all the two and Edith got a good taste for the music..
Was a hard matter for her the alchohol and always be drunken..
If I think, Janis Jimi and Brianm same age and.. absolute freaking.

Sorry Heart.
I have wrong Brian.
I'm abit tired today.

LanternHigh wrote on Aug 15^th, 2009 at 10:25am:

Sorry Heart.
I have wrong Brian.
I'm abit tired today.

You're right, they all died at the age of 27, & a lot of others, Alan "Blind Owl" Wilson (Canned Heat) Pigpen (Dead) there's others, but I can't think of the names of them right now, it seems 27 is a bad omen in Rock.

Heart Of Stone wrote on Aug 15^th, 2009 at 10:46am:

LanternHigh wrote on Aug 15^th, 2009 at 10:25am:

Sorry Heart.
I have wrong Brian.
I'm abit tired today.

Yes right, 27, bad age it seem. I know as well Alan 'Blind Owl' Wilson and Pigpen -Dead's
I got a lot of live CDs of the Dead.
Do you want one of their song, right now?
Which one?
I don't got all them, but some yes.

Heart Of Stone wrote on Aug 15^th, 2009 at 9:02am:

First time I heard the blues was the day I was born-----Janis Joplin.

"I've been singing the blues, ever since the world began." - Jim Morrison.

More great lines from the same song:

"Miss Maggie McGill, she lived on a hill, her daddy got drunk and left her no will."

"Illegitimate son son of a rock and roll star. (2x) Mom met Dad in the back of a rock and roll car."

I was all good till I reached number 20. :sad

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http://rocksoff.org/cgi-bin/messageboard/YaBB.pl GENERAL >> MAIN BOARD >> How To Sing The Blues http://rocksoff.org/cgi-bin/messageboard/YaBB.pl?num=1250118919 Message started by Edith Grove on Aug 12^th, 2009 at 6:15pm