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http://rocksoff.org/cgi-bin/messageboard/YaBB.pl GENERAL >> MAIN BOARD >> New Years Joke Thread! http://rocksoff.org/cgi-bin/messageboard/YaBB.pl?num=1324917420 Message started by Bitch on Dec 26^th, 2011 at 10:37am

Title: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Bitch on Dec 26^th, 2011 at 10:37am

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said to my friend "That's us in 10 years.”

She said "That's a mirror, shit-head!”

;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Dec 26^th, 2011 at 11:04am

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?........ ..... A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it,
until it's about 6 feetwide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by lavendar on Dec 26^th, 2011 at 2:31pm

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Whatta you shakin for, they're gonna eat me!!!

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Tumbling Dijs on Dec 26^th, 2011 at 2:51pm

Well, it's got nothing to do with newyear, but it is funny. Happy newyear everybody.

girlfriend.jpg (Attachment deleted)

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Pdog on Dec 26^th, 2011 at 4:22pm

do you know the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk will get in a car, drive too fast, run off the road and smash into a tree... get out of the car, look around and exclaim, it's time I stop driving!!!
The alcoholic will do exactly the same thing, except upon exiting the car, will ook around and exclaim in a loud laughing voice... Glad it ain't my car!!!

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Dec 26^th, 2011 at 8:12pm

do you know the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
An alcoholic goes to meetings. :pullanolte

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Tumbling Dijs on Dec 27^th, 2011 at 2:56pm

Well, that's a long time ago I had such a good laugh! Didn't realize there are so many funny people on this board.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by gimmekeef on Dec 27^th, 2011 at 4:04pm

Someone called the Bengals ticket office today asking what time does the game start next week?.....The reply:
"What time can you make it?"

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Jan 2^nd, 2012 at 2:07pm

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a
local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955! " She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,

"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only
2130 now."

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Bitch on Jan 2^nd, 2012 at 6:36pm

Good one EG!

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Bitch on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 3:01pm

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give
you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you
give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit! ;D

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Brainbell Jangler on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 6:45pm

Q: What do real drunks call New Years Eve?
A: Amateur Night.
:booze :pukey

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:09pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:11pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:12pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:13pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:15pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:16pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:20pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:22pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:27pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:30pm

http://cn1.kaboodle.com/hi/img/b/0/0/d1/a/AAAAC1ecG3wAAAAAANGkrA.jpg?v=1276307565000

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 10:45pm

for my baby LJ.....

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 10:47pm

http://cache.bordom.net/server/?type=image&size=full&id=aHR0cHM6Ly9mYmNkbi1zcGhvdG9zLWEuYWthbWFpaGQubmV0L2hwaG90b3MtYWstYXNoNC8zODk0NzhfMTAxNTA0ODQ4MTAyNDg2NDlfNTAwMzIzNjQ4Xzg4NTc1ODFfMTkwNzA5NzA3MV9uLmpwZw%3D%3D

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 10:49pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 10:50pm

Starbuck wrote on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:12pm:

For some reason. I find that amusing. :wtf2

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 10:50pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 10:53pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 10:55pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 10:58pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 11:00pm

sweetcharmedlife wrote on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 10:50pm:

Starbuck wrote on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:12pm:

For some reason. I find that amusing. :wtf2

i think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 11:00pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 11:20pm

Starbuck wrote on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 11:00pm:

sweetcharmedlife wrote on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 10:50pm:

Starbuck wrote on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:12pm:

For some reason. I find that amusing. :wtf2

i think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

It's probably a lot more than you deserve. :retarded

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by lavendar on Jan 7^th, 2012 at 9:50am

WAIT! LOOK OUT!
RUN! WAIT!
RUN BACK!
NO, RUN THE OTHER WAY!
NO, RUN THE OTHER WAY!
LOOK OUT!
RUN! WAIT! THE FUCK!”

~ Squirrels ~
[smiley=2vrolijk_08.gif] [smiley=2vrolijk_08.gif] [smiley=2vrolijk_08.gif]

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 7^th, 2012 at 10:13am

for my baby riffy.....

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 7^th, 2012 at 10:29am

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 7^th, 2012 at 10:34am

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 7^th, 2012 at 10:40am

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 7^th, 2012 at 10:43am

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by lavendar on Jan 7^th, 2012 at 10:53am

:booze :loloncemore :loloncemore

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 7^th, 2012 at 5:14pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 7^th, 2012 at 11:54pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 7^th, 2012 at 11:58pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 8^th, 2012 at 12:05am

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 8^th, 2012 at 12:27am

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by MrPleasant on Jan 8^th, 2012 at 9:38pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nViC0K-zifk

Voodoo?

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 11^th, 2012 at 1:08pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Jan 12^th, 2012 at 8:17am

****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ******

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I totally disagree with Kay Jewelers, and would bet that more kisses begin with Absolut Vodka than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first batting helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Jan 18^th, 2012 at 4:31pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by lavendar on Jan 18^th, 2012 at 4:43pm

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA made me laugh silly nilly ;)

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Feb 8^th, 2012 at 10:07am

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a
lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into
my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line...you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Feb 10^th, 2012 at 11:32am

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on

your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live

for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time

in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of

himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a

different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. The

big problem was that he no longer was a "whole man".

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new

suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a

new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

' Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How

about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one

hell of a headache.'

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Feb 14^th, 2012 at 9:32am

Sister Ann joins a Silent Monastery & after 5 yrs they say to her, "You may speak 2 words". Sister Ann says, "Hard bed". "Sorry". They reply, "We’ll get you a better bed". After 5 more yrs, they again say to her. "You may say 2 more words". "Cold food". Sister Ann replies. They tell her, "We'll try to make the food better." After 15 yrs they again say to her, "You may say 2 words". "I quit" she replied. "Good" they said, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here!"

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Kilroy on Feb 14^th, 2012 at 6:26pm

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Kilroy on Feb 14^th, 2012 at 7:27pm

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

Milton Berle

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Feb 14^th, 2012 at 10:09pm

Only 9,374 posts to catch Joey,Kilroy. You can do it! :pukey

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Kilroy on Feb 15^th, 2012 at 10:17am

sweetcharmedlife wrote on Feb 14^th, 2012 at 10:09pm:

Only 9,374 posts to catch Joey,Kilroy. You can do it! :pukey

Curses.......... My Plan has been uncovered! :o
Never happen, catching any of you guys.........
But I do like this Joke Post.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Feb 15^th, 2012 at 11:26am

What do Whitney Houston and the real esatate market have in common?

They're both underwater. :D

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Gazza on Feb 16^th, 2012 at 7:35am

ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated
your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him
rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
(oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed
by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there
was a small medium at large.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Feb 16^th, 2012 at 9:19am

Gazza wrote on Feb 16^th, 2012 at 7:35am:

The Irish Rodney Dangerfield? :willya

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Feb 17^th, 2012 at 12:49pm

An elderly couple are attending church services..

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Feb 18^th, 2012 at 12:30pm

Three guys went to a ski lodge, the rooms are full, so they have to share a room with one bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this very wild dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and said "That's unbelievable, I had the same dream too!". Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by LanternHigh on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 8:08am

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant, Not wanting to ruin his
reputetion or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to
Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he
would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey', she said, 'You received a very strange post card today'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti,
with three meatballs, two without, send extra sauce!!!

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 12:09pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 12:13pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 12:14pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 12:17pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 12:18pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 12:20pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 12:22pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 12:24pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 12:26pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 1:02pm

Ughh Bucky's back.Joy. I'd rather look at Joey's couch pictures. :whatapostronnie

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 1:09pm

sweetcharmedlife wrote on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 1:02pm:

Ughh Bucky's back.Joy. I'd rather look at Joey's couch pictures. :whatapostronnie

hey...just tryin' to boost my post count.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 3:47pm

SCL?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&v=BYW6C44zo24&NR=1

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 4:14pm

Starbuck wrote on Feb 21^st, 2012 at 3:47pm:

SCL?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&v=BYW6C44zo24&NR=1

Bucky? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgV4kzAdKmU

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by MrPleasant on Feb 22^nd, 2012 at 11:58am

http://warmvoices.blogspot.com/search/label/Rolling%20Stones

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Feb 24^th, 2012 at 5:19pm

A young Cajun from Thibodeaux goes off to college at LSU. Half way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They
actually have a program here at LSU that will teach your dog, Ol' Blue how
to talk!";

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?";

"Just send him to Baton Rouge with $1,000" the young Cajun says "I'll get
him in the course.";

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000 to Baton Rouge .

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the
animals how to read!";

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?";

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.";

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So at
years end, on the way home, he stops the pickup truck, gets out and shoots
Ol' Blue.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!";

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, " is your dad still messing around with that
redhead who lives down the street?";

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your
Mother!";

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a
Congressman.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by lavendar on Feb 24^th, 2012 at 8:22pm

I heard President Obama was singing the Blues the other night,
now he knows what the rest of Americans feel like !
Joke LOL :nomames

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Feb 24^th, 2012 at 8:26pm

lavendar wrote on Feb 24^th, 2012 at 8:22pm:

I heard President Obama was singing the Blues the other night,
now he knows what the rest of Americans feels like !
Joke LOL :nomames

:wow

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Feb 25^th, 2012 at 3:54pm

Congratulations to Whitney Houston on 8 days of sobreity. :charlieperv

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Tumbling Dijs on Feb 25^th, 2012 at 4:28pm

Very sad new years joke, very sad!

i2-hubert-02.jpg (Attachment deleted)

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Some Guy on Feb 29^th, 2012 at 12:00pm

An older preacher checks into a hotel and before he heads to his room he asks the clerk if the porn channel is disabled.
The clerk replies no you dirty old man, it is traditional porn.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by lavendar on Feb 29^th, 2012 at 5:18pm

LOL

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Kilroy on Feb 29^th, 2012 at 6:41pm

Look Out for Number 1 and don't step in Number two! :aimama
We went to different High schools together! :forfucksake
How Old Does Your Mother Weight? :whatapostronnie
How Many Bones in a fish Heart? :interestingstuffronnie
Did you carry your Lunch to School or take the Bus? :blankfriggingstare1

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Starbuck on Mar 1^st, 2012 at 3:01pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Mar 14^th, 2012 at 9:13am

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
Laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
Cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
Wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
With 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
And jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
And leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her,
Making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was
Hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
And light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
And make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
There is something SO very wrong with you.
Have a great day..... And woo woo!!!

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by lavendar on Mar 14^th, 2012 at 5:39pm

HaHaHaHa Love the woo woo......

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Mar 23^rd, 2012 at 12:21pm

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Mr. Barnes, would you please tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

"I outlived all them mother fuckers."

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Apr 11^th, 2012 at 2:42pm

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at homs when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number

to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed

the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down

with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our

Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot

I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled

that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house

and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.....

I called asshole #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are.....'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass!'

I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover!

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvdin Fairfax.....

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other.....
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter,
and surrounded by a news crew!!!

NOW I feel much better!

Anger management really does work.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Jul 17^th, 2012 at 12:09pm

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather who was working in the yard and
asked him "Grampa, what is couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old
enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about
human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,

"Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied,
"Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Some Guy on Jul 17^th, 2012 at 12:28pm

www.scissorsheldon.com

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Jul 17^th, 2012 at 3:41pm

The Gold Urinal

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, . . . . . . Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Jul 18^th, 2012 at 9:13am

Edith Grove wrote on Jul 17^th, 2012 at 3:41pm:

Edith?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hk_-XWpUFmU

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Jul 23^rd, 2012 at 9:44pm

So if an older woman going after a younger man is called a cougar. What do you call an older man going after a younger boy?.............................A Nittany Lion.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Aug 13^th, 2012 at 5:18pm

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century', he said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by lavendar on Aug 16^th, 2012 at 7:57am

Edith Your Crackin Me Up! LOL

Got some good ones.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Gazza on Aug 16^th, 2012 at 11:02am

I went to the doctor's suffering from premature ejaculation.

"It must be very stressful for your girlfriend", he said.

I replied "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits...."

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by luxury on Aug 16^th, 2012 at 12:45pm

...you just made that up

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Gazza on Aug 16^th, 2012 at 3:02pm

luxury wrote on Aug 16^th, 2012 at 12:45pm:

...you just made that up

You noticed the part that proved it couldn't possibly be me. I'm married. ;D

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Bitch on Aug 22^nd, 2012 at 4:57pm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
The bank manager looks back at her and says...

(wait for it.........)

.....'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Aug 22^nd, 2012 at 5:08pm

Bitch wrote on Aug 22^nd, 2012 at 4:57pm:

Cleaning up my keyboard now.......

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by lavendar on Aug 24^th, 2012 at 8:24am

Thanks Bitch, very FUnny LOL ;D

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by BONOISLOVE on Aug 24^th, 2012 at 7:06pm

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Sep 26^th, 2012 at 8:50am

Not really a joke, but it is a joke ! :pukey

Title Search

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer...

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual reply from FHA)

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response)

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana . God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.

And you want Government running health care?

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Oct 26^th, 2012 at 12:02pm

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Dec 3^rd, 2012 at 9:23am

A blonde drops off a shirt at the Surfside cleaners...
On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again"...

The blonde says "No it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch".

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Paranoid Android on Dec 3^rd, 2012 at 10:00am

:willya
Edith Grove wrote on Dec 3^rd, 2012 at 9:23am:

A blonde drops off a shirt at the Surfside cleaners...
On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again"...

The blonde says "No it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch".

:willya

Is it THAT time of year again???

Spike the egg nog and let's get laughin'!!!

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Voodoo Chile In Wonderland on Dec 8^th, 2012 at 6:00pm

Not a "New Year's Joke" but Christmas joke

Q: Who is the Christmas favourite character of the Rolling Stones?
A: The GRRRinch

LOL bad joke, I know but I invented it :forfucksake

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sweetcharmedlife on Dec 8^th, 2012 at 6:49pm

A day late. But in honor of Pearl Harbor day:

Did you hear about the guy who's half black and half Japanese? Every Dec. 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey. :whatapostronnie

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Dec 8^th, 2012 at 6:56pm

Voodoo Chile in Wonderland wrote on Dec 8^th, 2012 at 6:00pm:

Not a "New Year's Joke" but Christmas joke

Q: Who is the Christmas favourite character of the Rolling Stones?
A: The GRRRinch

Voo ?

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by lavendar on Dec 8^th, 2012 at 8:51pm

HAHAHAA ha

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Dec 10^th, 2012 at 2:23pm

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
To be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Dec 10^th, 2012 at 2:45pm

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this...

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Gimme Shelter on Dec 14^th, 2012 at 6:24am

Bend over, touch your toes, and spell RUN as many times as you can. :loloncemore

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by sirmoonie on Dec 16^th, 2012 at 1:03am

How many Germans does it take?

The fat ones!

HAHA!!! Sorry, Jesus, I heard it at work. www.Magoo.com. and all the bennies.....

Title: Re: New Years Joke Thread!
Post by Edith Grove on Apr 23^rd, 2013 at 8:47am

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store's merchandise was not in, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other,

"I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window,

looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,

"What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."