Might be a little too late for Trump to fix this:
Survey finds millennials lack basic survival skills
A recent survey found millennials and survival go together like ice cream and nacho-cheese sauce. (Photo by Todd Masson, NOLA.com | The Times-Picayune)
By Todd Masson, NOLA.com | The Times-Picayune
on January 13, 2017
In the coming zombie apocalypse, safe spaces may be in short supply, so millennials will have to take shelter under their Spoonk mats and crack open their cell phones in hopes there's creamy nougat inside. According to a recent survey -- this is shocking, I know -- millennials lack even the most basic survival skills.
Apparently SnapChat offers no tutorials on how to build a snare trap.
The survey, conducted ahead of the London Boat Show, found even the most basic of life skills are quantum physics to most millennials. More than half were unable to tie a single knot and 40 percent had never swum in open water.
That removes as an option wading out into a lake while the zombie hordes foam and snarl along the shoreline.
Even more troubling, millennials have no idea how to read maps, relying instead on GPS and the Google Maps app to tell them when to go straight or turn. That means millennials will be the ones wandering through the forest, hoping to find a cell signal. And as fans of The Walking Dead know, zombies love to hide behind trees.
In those forests, even though they're surrounded by wood, any millennials who survive the zombies will likely freeze to death at night because the survey found two-thirds of them have no idea how to spark a fire by natural means. Fire, they had assumed, lives inside of stoves, and only comes out when you turn the dial.
Millennials will also be stunned to learn that seafood markets won't automatically produce more fish after the zombies have eaten their owners. Hungry millennials may see fish jumping in those lakes they can't swim in, but they'll have no clue how to catch them for dinner, even though they'd have to eat them raw anyway since they don't know how to build fires. The survey found fewer than a third of millennials have ever caught their own fish or seafood.
Unable to eat or stay warm, the millennials will quickly grow tired. Some will seek to take advantage of the chaos and find shelter in abandoned houses, but that's a big mistake. Again, as The Walking Dead has shown, zombies instinctively know which houses are being used by the living, and can walk through doors like high school football players running through paper signs.
The smarter millennials will stay in the forests. Surprisingly, the survey found 56 percent have actually camped at least once in their lives, so maybe they'll be able to construct a pine-bough lean-to that will escape detection.
But of course, to a millennial, "camping" may actually mean sleeping on a sofa bed in Grandma's basement.
Remember all this if the worst happens and you become a zombie yourself. Target the millennials. They'll be the skinny ones who are soaking-wet, shivering and sitting at a table waiting for Mom to bring a chicken pot pie.
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Todd Masson can be reached at
[email protected] or 504.232.3054.
http://www.nola.com/outdoors/index.ssf/2017/01/survey_finds_millennials_lack.htm...
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